When Opening Day Doesn’t Go As Planned
by Hunter X
The excitement was building as I gathered my turkey hunting equipment. Calls - check, shotgun shells - check, vest - check, hunting license - check and gun- check. I had everything laid out and ready to go for the next morning. Spring break was in full swing and the family had been sick with the stomach flu. I had been fortunate to not have encountered this sickness this time.
About 5:00am Opening Morning, I was awaken by my beautiful sweet wife’s loud expulsion of noise that was echoing in our bathroom as she was orally letting loose her portion of the stomach flu. I offered my assistance, the best I could, and waited for her footsteps as she headed back to bed. Honestly, there is really no way to go back to sleep after something like that, so around 5:45am I got up and sheepishly inquired if I could still head to the turkey woods. A quite “that’s fine” came the reply.
It was an overcast morning
with no moon visible. Weather forecast was for rain beginning around 12
noon. I stopped the truck and began to load up for a quiet dark walk to
the ‘turkey spot’ on the field edge. Going through my mental checklist
all was there, on and ready to go. Walking about 10 steps from the
truck, something wasn’t right. I sprinted back to the truck shedding
everything that was on. I quickly grabbed the ‘security’ toilet paper
behind the backseat and barely made it to the small oak tree near by.
The stomach flu had hit in full force. What? Rain? Now? Yep, the rain
had decided to come early. Slowing making my way back to the truck I
decided to continue on with the hunt. This time placing my rain suit on
and heading across the field. Making it 200 yards across, I rested
under a cedar tree that was repelling water better than my rain suit. I
was not there more than 5 minutes when - BOOM! Lighting struck very near
by and assisted me in setting the world record in the standing broad
jump. Now I don’t know if it was the lighting, nerves or what but the
second part of this new found stomach flu hit me right at that moment.
Going down on all fours that cedar tree and I mimic my sweet wife’s
stomach production that I witness an hour earlier. Wanting to run back
to the truck due to the lighting, all I could do is sat against that
cedar tree. The skies soon became quite and the steady rain filled the
morning woods.
Beginning to feel much better I made my way to my original destination.
Having setup and ready to go, they rain and I watched the sun come up over the ridge. Waiting for the distant gobble and soft yelps from the nearby roost spot nothing was heard, but only exposed empty limbs and vacant strutting edges. After about another 45 minutes, I began to hear rustling in the fallen leaves to the drainage to my right. Excited about the quiet sneak those little rascals had pulled over on me, I waited to see heads pop up over the hill towards my direction. Slowly here they came. What? Four young cows made themselves present that somehow escaped from the fenced pasture that I had crossed earlier. Now as I sat stone still in full camo these cows had no clue about this hunter watching them. Realizing that I had the neighborly responsibility to assist the landowner in getting her cows back through the broken fenced area, I stood up to drive them back through. This seem logical to me, but I did not consider the situation from the cow’s perspective. All I can rightly remember is that four balls of black hoofed fury and fear stampeded around me as I stood up amongst them. Yes, they made it back through the fence shortly after I saw my life come before my eyes. After gaining my composure again, I realized I had succeeded in getting them back through and sat down on the hill raining, wet and with uuuuggggghhhhh - stomach gurgling. I called the landowner to inform her on the fence break and offered my assistance to help fix it.
I heard the farm truck start and begin to make its way across the big pasture. As I was sitting there, I looked back across the bigger field toward my truck. What is that at my truck by the road? Would you believe it? Three toms began strutting across the field. New found strength surged through my veins. Safely crossing two fences and a small open field, I crept into a small clump of pines about two hundred yards away. Gobbles thundered as I barely made two scrappy somewhat considered yelps out of my completely soaked slate call. All heads were heading in my direction at a full rate of speed. Raising my gun, I slowly took aim and proudly watched my first Tennessee gobbler take a fall at 35 yards. This all came together in 8 great minutes.
Now I could end the story here with smiles and high fives, but in Hunter X fashion it doesn’t.
I ran to the turkey, thanked
Christ for an eventful hunt and got out the required Tennessee hunting
license that has a big game temporary tag attached. Truly a rough
morning just got better. As I began to tag my great bird, something
caught my eye on the date of my license. Last year I bought my license
on 3/29/07, I had seen the expiration date as 29 but it hit me it read
2/29/08. This year we had leap day. Slowly excitement had turned into
overwhelming fear. Uuuugggghhhh - my stomach gurgled more.
Seeing that the landowner had made it to the fence break. I headed back to that direction to assist. Finishing in about 40 minutes, I started back to the truck to go renew my license at the nearby TWRA check station/license agent. Leaving the turkey under my cedar tree friend from earlier that morning, I got halfway across the field as the familiar green TWRA vehicle drove down the road by my truck. Knowing I would confess, plead for mercy and be completely truthful with my Wildlife Office friends, I was ready to go to jail for my wrong doing. As he turned back around, sweat began to fill my already soaked body and uuuuuggggghhhhh - my stomach gurgled once again.
As my Wildlife Officer friend came closer he waved and passed by. I stood there stunned. I got in the truck and quickly headed to the TWRA check station/license agent. Purchasing my new 2008-2009 license again on 3/29, I noticed and made special note this time it expired on 2/28/09. I headed back to the field where I properly and legally tagged my turkey. Whew!
Knowing I still had to check the turkey back at a TWRA check station, I knew it would be awkward to go back to the one where I just purchased my license 6 minutes before. So I headed across town and used the one over there. Making it back home safely around 11:15am, legal and official, I cleaned my bird with a full case of the stomach flu. After showering, I slowly slipped back into bed where it all began. As my beautiful sweet wife laid there watching TV, she rolled over and asked, “How was your morning?” I replied, “You would not believe me if I told you.” Uuuuuuggggghhhhh - gurgle gurgle – Oh my stomach.
Signed –
Hunter X
